The Passing of an Irreplaceable Friend

When I first heard the news on Facebook, I was shocked and in disbelief. Gradually I uncovered the tale from friends and family; one of my closest friends from home didn't come home from a party, because he fell to his death in a nearby quarry. It seemed like some kind of bad joke, or horrible plot twist from a teen movie. But this is cold hard reality for everyone back in Pennsylvania, and for me too.

I know people are taking Eric Gotwols' death very badly, and everyone has to deal with the tragedy of death in their own way. I've learned to deal with it from when my Dad passed away, from multiple suicide attempts with close friends and family members, and even lately when a friend of mine here in Japan cut herself and I helped clean up the mess. I try to flip the tragedy into comedy, by remembering the good times and consciously recognizing how much we love each other, even if things between us weren't always 'perfect.' Heck, in this case I even chuckled because of the fact that I knew Eric so well, I could just take a guess that he was probably taking a piss and just didn't notice the massive quarry nearby.

I loved Eric so much. I reflect back on having him and all our friends over at my house almost daily to play video games and hang out. He was full of competitive spirit, and would passionately enlighten everyone about the things that he held most dear; sports of all kinds, movies of all genres, video games of all systems, friends from high school and college, his fraturnity TKE, his family, and any Philadelphia sports team. His bold presence commanded attention if you were nearby; I could listen to him go on for hours about sports and not have the slightest idea what he was talking about, but the way he told stories kept me so damn interested that I'd be compelled to ask him more!

Eric inspired me in many ways, and in fact this blog's title "Journey of a Man" was a phrase that he used to describe this very trip to Japan. I was looking forward to sharing my experiences here with him by sharing my personal journal, and especially talking about the baseball game I'll see in Tokyo. I wanted to tell him stories about Japan so fascinating that he would keep asking me more, and perhaps get the itch to travel. Since his passing, the sad fact is that these aspirations of mine are now simply illusions.

We buy into so many illusions in life, and we create them daily. Some people might not want to hear this, but one illusion is that we miss someone. What we really miss is the feeling that someone gave us, what their presence created in us. That longing to see a lost soul and regain that feeling is really just the illusion of separation. When you open your heart with gratitude and remember something awesome about that person, the feeling of their presence will be created right at that moment.

In any case, we're all human and we'll still buy into the drama of a soul departed. It doesn't matter what you believe about what happens to you after you die, whether it's heaven, hell, purgatory, valhalla, reincarnation, sleeping under the dirt, or warming up in the dugout at a baseball game set in the Afterlife Amphitheater (which would be awesome). When somebody you love unexpectedly disappears from your life, the hurt is a wake up call to create a better feeling in your life.

It may take a day, a week, months, or even years to get past the tears of sorrow. But transforming those tears into tears of laughter and joy from memories of the departed at their best keeps the true spirit of that person alive, and it's as if they are still around. I'm sure Eric would be happy to be around so many friends who are laughing and sharing memories about him. He'd be at the center of attention, still!

I personally decided to make myself accountable for my intentions after digesting the reality of Eric's passing. I have been smoking a lot out here in Akita, and I had always intended to quit after college. But I threw out my last pack of Marlboros and gave it up now, in realizing just how short life already is.

Once a year, cherry blossoms brilliantly bloom en masse. Their sight and auroma lift the spirits of a weary passerby, inspiring the joy of life. Just as quickly as they arrive, the white and pink flower petals descend from their high branches and litter the ground. As one walks by, gusts of wind twirl the dancing colors, which evokes the sensation of experiencing mysteries that we do not quite understand. Life and Death coexist, yet The Journey of a Man continues.